The formula for a generic Liveline

Joe: Helllllooooowwww, gud afternewwwn, and ewer very welcome tewww Liiiiveliiinnnnneeeee…….(Random shit music)…….And 51551 (fiave wooon doobel fiave wooon) is ower texxxth noomber, and jeoe at RTÉ doth ie is our emayel. Mary, Mary good afternewwwnnn.

Mary: (North Dublin accent, possibly in her 70’s or 80’s) Guth afthernewan Jeoe. Hew or ewe?

Joe: Fiane, fiane. Mary I see in ewer call tew oos dat…THAT (has clearly realised what a master of pronounciation he is, and has decided to randomly pronounce words correctly)….ewe have hath a problem with #####Insert random organisation here##### and ewe or very ooopseth. Wha happenth? Wha happenth?

Mary: Dath’s correcth, Jeowe…..

Mary then goes on for 15 minutes about what is likely to be the most stupid story regarding a minor slight like giving her 1 cent less change, or some random insignificant problem that could have been solved with a call to a customer service agent in the particular organisation. But Mary decided to “Moan to Joe” anyway; sure that’s what Liveline is for, SERIOUS YOOMAN BAYIN problems. The conversation is punctuated with “Hmmm hmmm,” “Okay” or “Oh moy God” courtesy of Joe pretending to care, while he probably sits counting out the advertising revenue.

After 15 minutes, and Mary reaches her story “climax”.

Joe (Yawns inaudibly, smacks his lips and then exclaims loudly): OHH MOY GOWDD!
Now Mary, I don’t want to make you more upseth dan ewe clearly are (He clearly does…more advertising money, geddit?), but Mary, hew haz …THAT… affecthed ewe?

Mary: Well Jeowe…

Joe: Hmmm hmmm

Mary: …I am very oopseth dath…

Joe: Hmmm hmmm

Mary: …#####Random organisation##### has noth prevideth ame with a sathisfacthory responsh in de hour since I made de complainth.

Joe (impatiently as the show is not controversial enough): Okay, okay, okay. Back after de break…Cue shit music

Break over, cue shit music again.....

Joe: And 51551(fiave wooon doobel fiave woon) is ower thexth nooomber. We neow have Jeoe, hew is a thacksee thriver in the centher of Dooob-lin. Jeoe, hew or ewe?

Switch over to a random ignorant taxi driver, almost always a Dubliner, but that’s not a rule of thumb, it combines the two greatest barriers to a “debate” on Liveline, ignorance and shouting. This caller almost always shouts down the phone, ignoring the very sensitive microphone that picks up a pin dropping at the other side of the world, or maybe he has just picked up a phone for the first time…Cue epic 2001: A Space Oddessy music and the image of a monkey picking up a telephone....ooooooooh controversial.....

Joe (the taxi driver, northside accent…surprise, surprise, shouting): Hellow Jeoe, hew or ewe?

Joe (the hairy one): Tanks very mooch, Jeoe. Ewe have also had a problem …WITH…#####Random organisation##### and ewe or very oopseth also, joost loike Mary, whooose new gonth.

Mary: Jeowe….

Joe: Hew is dath?

Mary: It’s Mary here Jeowe. I’m noth gonth…

Joe (impatiently): Okay, okay, okay, Mary. Tanks for calling (gestures to the random idiot…I mean producer…in the booth directing the generic idiots calling in to cut off Mary, and sometimes you can actually hear, usually word for word, feeding Duffy questions from the booth).

Joe (Taxi driver Joe, shouting): It’s a disgrayssse Jeoe, dis ka-row-ed……Hellow, Jeoe, hellow??? (Clearly Joe has forgotten to punctuate his sentences with his usual “Hmmm hmmm,” “Okay” or “Oh my God” and the simpleton on the phone is probably using the phone for the first time and hasn’t quite figured it out yet).

Joe (Hairy): Yesh Jeoe, low-ed an cleeer.

Joe (Taxi driver Joe, shouting): ..... Well, poorsanily oi tink tha #####Random organisation##### shood be bannth an soomooon pooth in jay-el…

Joe (Hairy one): Okay, okay, okay (Clearly taking legal advice from the legal experts in RTÉ, to avoid being sued…again…but sure, only properly researched topics are on Liveline…snigger). Can ewe geth thew de sting of ewer poy-nth palee-ase Jeoe?

Joe (Taxi driver Joe, shouting): Okay Jeoe. Have #####Random organisation##### bin in conthacth wit ewe, Jeoe?

Joe: Yes, in facth wee hev a spokes-pair-sooon for #####Random organisation#####, Paul Spokesperson (made up name…duh) is on the udder lyan, good afthernewn tew eeeeewe Paul.

Now the slaughter. Anyone going on to defend any personal or company actions on Liveline must be prepared for 3 things.
● Joe Duffy in “Man of the People” mode.
A common feature on Liveline, where a holier-than-thou rant is highly probable, as is the phrase used so often by the Duffer and is arsenic to most sane people “I’m saying what the listeners are thinking” (for pronounciation, see below). Quite pleased with sitting back on his fat arse judging people about things he hasn’t got a clue about while he counts out his weekly earnings of over 1000 euro a day. Think about that for a minute.
● Defence of the original caller and attack on the spokesperson
Every tinfoil-hat wearing, generic, thick ignoramous that Liveline allows on (99.9% of people) will almost definitely do this. Pick a random episode one day and listen, you’ll see what I mean.
● A polititian
A tinfoil hat-wearing, thick ignoramous (almost always a Fianna Fail member, the thickest excuses of human beings), voted in by those above, that will call for the usual knee-jerk, typical Irish response to any problem…commonly more Gardai, a reduction in Mary Harney’s chocolate-related expenses etc or the funniest of all Liveline phrases, calling for a banth (pronounced ban to normal, sane non-Liveline listeners).

Spokesperson: (Sounds well spoken and educated, possibly a first for Liveline) Good afternoon Joe. I have listened to the show so far, and I am prepared to answer your caller’s concerns on behalf of the company.

Joe (Crescendo): But ewe have potentially ruined Mary’s life. Why did ewe inflict this level of menthal disthress on hoor, because EWE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS INCIDENT!!! (Foam now emanates from Joe’s mouth in defence of Mary in a faux-sympathetic way, but is actually thinking about the extra advertising money that rolls in when he lays into a person such as the spokesperson)

Spokesperson (in a normal voice): Excuse me, Joe, but I believe that the problem was very minor, and that we are willing to address that if you would give me your caller’s number and…..

Joe (uber pious and irately): DON’TH, DON’TH THRY TO GLOSS OFER DIS, EWE AND EWER COOMPANY OR RESPONSIPLE FER DE PAY-NE AND SUFFERIN’ INFLICTHED ON THIS FRAY-EL END ELTHERLY WOOOMAN…

Spokesperson (having to increase the volume to talk over Joe): But Joe, from what I understand, Mary was very impatient on the phone to us (probably true, northside elderly women have a habit of effing and blinding…shock, horror), and we had to terminate the call due to the level of abuse inflicted on our call centre staff. But we are more than happy to discuss a possible solution off air with Mary, one that can benefit all involved.

Joe (subdued): Okay…(Now smelling blood): But ewe or new bay-sick-ally saying, it’s all Mary’s fawlth fer…

Spokesperson: No Joe, I never said that, please don’t put words in my mouth.

Joe: Oi am sayin wha de listhners are thinkhin, ewe or at fawlt fer dis situation. And I hope people will listhen thew de stories of de olth an velnerble an sic people like our callers. Neow we go to Breda in Ballyfermot, Breda good afternewwn tew ewwwee.

Etc. etc. etc.

If you don’t find this funny, then I suggest you turn off the computer, pick up the phone and “Talk to Joe.” Seriously. If you do get on (use a northside accent and say you are a taxi driver, you’ll definitely get on, no matter what the topic. And try to bring in the following phrases if you are let on in your acting debut as a taxi driver-“cap on the licences” “ruining our livelihoods” “fascist conspiracy” and “of COURSE I vote Fianna Fail, shure why would I vote for them bleedin’ Blueshirts”), try to use bad language, there’s no delay on broadcasting the show. Use every one you can come up with.

Copywrited 2009 - Decimator Productions

What.The.F**k?

Right, my first blog post.

We got ye olde interweb access in the recesses of Clare recently. Yeah! It only took 3 bloody years, but thanks to eircom for getting the lead out finally.

Four things that have annoyed me over the last 7 days.

Number 1-Confrontational people

You know the type. You say something and they criticise it. It doesn't matter if you say the grass is green, or the interweb has more to it than porn and blogs (yes, I have figured that out by the way), they will attack you. They are insecure clowns with no life and enjoy arguing. End of story.

Number 2-Joe Duffy

Easy one. Clown. Whingy, moany, cantankerous, shrivelled and hand-wringing. Kinda like a taxi driver.

Number 3-Computers

Bastarding things. Break down when you want to use it.

Number 4-Tail-gaiters

Wow. You are such a good driver. You can drive so close to me that you can touch the back of my car, and then you overtake me and a truck uphill on a left-handed bend. Yes Mr./Mrs. Ford Focus Estate, I mean you.

First one down. Should make the next one easier.